


Let Me Roll It

by 40Stephs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 08:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15093212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/40Stephs/pseuds/40Stephs
Summary: It could be that every action had led them here to this moment; every conflict, every argument, every lingering gaze, every unrequited emotion - they were all stepping stones on a path that led them directly to this. He, the stag, and she, the doe.





	Let Me Roll It

**Author's Note:**

> When I set out to write this, I did so because I felt that the link between Lily’s doe and James’s stag was something super poignant that I hadn’t seen adequately fleshed out in a fic. This is my first time writing through the characters of James and Lily, so I hope you enjoy my interpretation (and that it isn’t too offensive to your own headcanons!). Something that I draws me to James and Lily is how crucial they are to the story of Harry Potter, and yet we know so little of them. So this is my interpretation of how Lily and James found each other.
> 
> Also, if you’re curious as to why I chose a Wings song to be a specific plot point, in lieu of another 70s Muggle band… Wings was Paul McCartney’s solo project which lasted from 1971 to 1981. James and Lily met in 1971 and … well, you know the rest.
> 
> A huge thank you goes out to Cagg, my friend, editor, alpha-beta, and cheerleading squad, for looking over this story and making me cry with her tears.

Let Me Roll It

 

“… and as many ancient wizards thought their fellow man – well, those who were able to conjure a successful Patronus – were pure of heart,  the Wizengamot and Ministry quickly filled with wizards who were associated with noble deeds and ventures…”

 

Quills scratched diligently across parchment as 7 th year students followed intently along with Professor Bragge’s lecture, detailing the history of the Patronus Charm. Easily one of the more difficult pieces of magic taught at Hogwarts, Professor Bragge reserved its teaching only to his Advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts course, geared for those leaning towards a career as an Auror, curse-breaker, or the like. 

 

“Incorporeal patronuses,” Bragge continued, the topic easily engaging and holding the attention of the group of 17-year-olds in front of him, “are the most common results of a Patronus charm. And although the produced mist will provide moderate protection against Dementors, nothing will come close to the protection provided by corporal patronuses, taking the form of a given animal.”

 

The class was moderately sized, credited somewhat to Professor Bragge’s reputation as an engaging teacher, but mostly to the political climate beyond the walls of the castle. With each passing day, students seemed more polarized, grouping themselves between those supporting You-Know-Who openly and those venomously against. Those students belonging in the latter group were eager to learn and find their place amongst the resistance. One such student, sat in the second row: Lily Evans. While not intent on becoming an Auror (she had already worked out a plan to join the resistance as a potioneer), she valued making her education as well rounded as possible.  As the magical world continued to turn darker, she became more aware of the target on her back as a Muggle born student. 

 

“… it is said that knowing a person’s corporeal Patronus form is akin to seeing well within their soul. Although it’s impossible to predict the form that a witch or wizard’s Patronus will take, there has been speculation as to how the form is chosen. Some say it is a reflection of their personality, others speculate that the truly powerful can illicit whichever form of a Patronus they choose.”

 

Lily’s brow furrowed slightly, her expression tinged with disbelief. She did a slow glance around the room at her peers, doubting very much that such a powerful witch or wizard would be within their midst. Then again, the mumbles around the room had suggested the group’s skepticism that anyone would be able to produce anything more than a wisp of smoke from their wands. Casting full-bodied Patronuses was the mark of superior magical ability. Lily absently wondered if they would see someone with that potential in the practicum section of their lesson.

 

While, she conceded, the class contained some dreadfully talented students, their talents all manifested in very different ways. Take Mary Macdonald, for instance. Lily simply adored her dormmate, and would run to her if she ever had a question regarding magical herbs and plants, but knew quite well that Mary was rubbish at charms. Next to Mary was Remus Lupin, Lily’s fellow prefect and an honest god-sent since she had taken on the Head Girl-ship, in terms of wrangling Black and Pettigrew so that she wouldn’t have to. Remus was a singularly clever wizard, but as of late Lily had noticed that his health was taking a toll on him. He routinely would be in and out of the Hospital Wing, and although he insisted to her on their patrols that he was perfectly fine, Lily speculated if he had the physical strength to produce a full bodied Patronus.

 

Behind Lupin (because Merlin forbid they stray from each other) were his compatriots. Lily tilted her head as she considered Sirius Black ( _poor Peter_ , thought Lily. His blasted O.W.L.s. results were far below the mark for A.D.A.D.A. and he hadn’t been allowed to enroll). Sirius had a passion for rebellion that was fueled by his desire to deface his familial ties to Dark Wizards. Even now Lily noted how determined Sirius’s face was as he – saints preserve us – recorded his notes. Perhaps…

 

A sudden movement from Sirius’s left caught Lily’s attention. Her eyes snapped to observe the Quidditch Captain whose hand had shot up to root itself in his appallingly unmanageable hair. His angular jaw was set with frustration; Lily could almost see the tendons shifting. His hazel eyes, set back behind thin wire frames, were furrowed. There was the tale-tell crease between his brows that Lily knew meant that his mind was working as quickly as his hand was scribbling down notes (his left hand, which, if you asked Lily, explained a _lot_ ). She would put a sickle or two on the fact that he was probably questioning his own ability, just as Lily had been questioning her own.

 

James Potter was infuriatingly well rounded, as wizards came. His skill in Transfiguration was unmatched, as hard as Lily had tried to put that to the test. He had decent wand-work in Charms and although Lily firmly outpaced him in Potions, James was able to hold his own around a cauldron. He, she decided, had as good of a chance as any. Also, by the way, _super_ mature of her to be able to admit that to herself, She gave herself a mental pat on the back. Lily was fully aware of how much her relationship with James had evolved, thanks in no small part to her Head partner’s sudden emotional growth spurt. Never let it be said that Albus Dumbledore didn’t have a good head on his shoulders, because whatever plan he had in the works in making James Quidditch Captain and Head Boy, was clearly coming to fruition. 

 

As the lecture drew to an end, students gathered in the back of the room before the desks were cleared to one side by a sweeping motion of Bragge’s arm. Students took their positions, wands drawn, as Bragge paced up and down the center of the room. 

 

“Patronuses,” he warned, “are only as strong as the memories which create them. They are a magical concentration of happiness and hope, so I would advise that you take this time to focus your mind on a memory of true elation. Honest and unbridled cheerfulness.”

 

Unbridled cheerfulness. Lily scoffed as her fingers tensed and relaxed around the handle of her wand. This morning she recalled reading a particularly gruesome headline in _The Prophet_ – something about a Muggle orphanage being the latest target of a Death Eaters attack. But, sure. Okay. Cheerfulness.

 

“Speak the incantation clearly. Expecto… patronum.”

 

Lily drew a breath, closing her eyes momentarily. Her mother and father appeared in her mind’s eye. The next breath she drew was shakier, her hand clenched tighter. Happy memory. Unbridled cheerfulness. Christmas morning. Her mother, sitting in her armchair as her father handed out stockings to her and Petunia. Her father…

 

“Expecto patronum!” The wand movement was easy – Lily had been practicing in preparation for this lesson. At the tip of the wand emerged a wispy, silver mist, which circled in front of her. It was maintained for several seconds before dissipating. 

 

Wow, she thought as her wand arm dropped to her side. Okay. That’s a start. 

 

She glanced around to see how her peers were fairing. Next to her, Marlene McKinnon had managed a similarly shaped cloud, and the two girls shared a quick, triumphant smile. 

 

“Excellent, ladies! Ten points to Gryffindor.” Bragge had stopped between them. “Let’s see you try it again.”

 

Lily nodded at her professor, her eyes falling shut once more. Her father had just opened up the records Lily had given him as a Christmas present. Her father had loved his records…

 

“Ex-expecto patronum!” The haze appeared once more, though distinguishably weaker and was gone in a trace. Lily’s face fell into a disappointed frown, realizing that perhaps her triumph had been prematurely celebrated.

 

Professor Bragge crossed his arm over his chest, his brow furrowed in contemplation. “I would invite you to reevaluate the emotion you are trying to evoke. Patronuses require strength. They are a defense, and need to be built sturdily. Try to go beyond happiness. Patronuses are meant to keep you safe. Happiness can lend itself to allowing people to feel secure” He patted Lily on his shoulder. “Keep trying. I’ll return.”

 

“Yes, Professor.” Lily rolled her shoulders back as he walked away. Quite an unfairly tall order, all things considered. No one she knew had felt remotely safe for some time now.

 

Her eyes gazed over the rest of the classroom. Maybe if she could get an idea of what her classmates were zoning in on… 

 

Sirius and James, who Lily half-expected to be lost in hysterics while one or the other made jokes about casting a Patronus from their crotch, seemed to be in a dueling position, facing each other while they practiced . Eventually, her eyes settled on watching James. There was a fierceness in his eyes that came from one too many disastrous headlines read in the paper, one too many witnessed attacks on muggle-born students in the castle. His body was tense, his wand-movements jerky. Probably wasn’t focusing on a safe, happy memory…

 

Lily again rolled her shoulders back, as if the tenseness in James’s body had transferred to her own. There was a particular memory… It wasn’t necessarily unbridled cheerfulness, but it was the last time Lily had distinctly remembered feeling safe. And for some reason known only to Fate and the Universe, distinctly co-starred James Potter.

 

***

 

Before Lily had received her Head Girl badge in August at the beginning of her seventh year, she had heard plenty of rumored perks of the job: the ability to dock points from professors, unlimited access to the kitchens, the undying support of Peeves the Poltergiest, and of course, separate Head dormitories to be shared with the Head Boy. 

 

These, of course, were all falsities (besides the kitchens one, if you were on the good side of the right House Elf). Head badge or not, Peeves was a nuisance to all, and you’d be more successful in docking years from your lives than docking points from Professor McGonagall. However, the one thing that Head students did have was the Head Office – a cozy room adjacent to the Prefect lavatories that were used as a headquarters for prefect meetings and a place for Head students to work on patrol schedules and point registrations. Access was extremely limited to students, and as such, was the perfect hideaway.

 

Which is why Lily Evans found herself draped over the plush armchair across from the fireplace, cold compress across her eyes. What a day it had been. What a trying, awful, unnecessary day.  

 

It had started with small, errant things. Issues that alone, wouldn’t make or break one’s day, but when put together with approximately twenty of their peers, lead to a cold compress in a dark Heads office with the record player crooning and a contraband, ice cold Butterbeer in hand. First, Lily had arrived at the Great Hall to see that Sirius and Peter had commandeered all of the toast throughout the entire Gryffindor table to try and reconstruct what Lily could only assume to be a carbohydrate replica of London Bridge. 

 

“…Why.” Not so much a question as a declaration of impatience. 

 

Black’s head appeared over the northern gatehouse. “How d’you mean _why_?”

 

“We’re testing the structural integrity of the toast,” Pettigrew’s explanation was almost mundane, like of _course_ that is what they had been doing. Silly Lily.

 

Lily had opened her mouth to emphatically suggest that the two stop being such berks, when she heard from behind her, “ _Really?_ ” announcing the arrival of Remus Lupin to the table. “Can’t you two be trusted to be put into public without making a spectacle?”

 

Sirius scowled, affronted at the betrayal from his comrade, “As if you weren’t the one who suggested that toast would be completely adequate building material.”

 

“Ah. No. You had asked which breakfast food types would be best for building replication and I replied that you would be _toast_ if Lily found out what you planned to do.”

 

Sirius considered this for a moment before shrugging, “Semantics.”

 

Lily exchanged a look with Remus and when he reassured her that he would wrangle his compatriots, she took him at his word and snatched a piece of toast from Sirius’s clutches, promptly slathering it with the marmalade that Peter was planning to use for the river Thames.

 

So while breakfast had been a nuisance by most accounts, it wouldn’t have been enough to ruin one’s day. Lily chalked the whole experience to the January weather – bleak and grey, to the cheer of the Christmas break fading and the threat of class exams impending, and to the fact that the voices of reason (Remus and, most surprisingly as of late, James) were absent. Actually, it was increasingly odd that James had not been down for breakfast. Lily didn’t think that James would miss an opportunity to argue about various Quidditch plays while simultaneously eating absolutely everything in his path.

 

Throughout the rest of the day, annoyances took the form of broken quill tips (thank Merlin for Mary having at least seven quills on her at all times), catching no less than three different couples in compromising positions (the detention log needed updating, this reminded Lily), and a potion that for reasons beyond her comprehension refused to coagulate at the correct rate (Slughorn reassured her that she would be able to have another try the next day, but the damage had already been done to her self-esteem. Some potioneer she would be, couldn’t even have a handle on a simple Euphoria Elixir). Again, separately these occurrences would’ve been water off a duck’s back, but in combination, they caused tenseness in Lily’s shoulders that started to creep up the back column of her neck. A piece of chocolate would be just heavenly right now, and she was fairly certain she had a whole hunk of Honeyduke’s Finest hidden away from Marlene and Mary in the bottom of her trunk.

 

“Lily.”

 

She turned on her heel at the sound of her name, expecting to be beckoned by a friendly face. The face that came into view, hidden partially by a veil of black, stringy hair, immediately made the tenseness drop from the back of her head to the entirety of her body. Lily immediately tried to turn back around, but was caught on her elbow by his hand.

 

“I have nothing to say to you, Severus,” she pulled her elbow out of his grip.

 

“Peppermint.”

 

If Lily paused, it was only because she was absolutely baffled as to what in Merlin’s name Severus was on about. His face was tinged with his usual morose demeanor, but there was still the flickering flame behind his eyes. Lily knew that he was under the impression that if he just said the right thing, looked at her the right way, Lily would forgive him his trespasses. Unfortunately, he took this pause as an opportunity to continue.

 

“If you add peppermint to your potion, the effects of t-“

 

“Severus, I don’t _care_ ,” she pulled her schoolbag higher up on her shoulder, her eyes scoping out an escape route, or a housemate passing by. Anything that could send a life vest.

 

He sputtered at this, the hope immediately extinguished from his eyes, “I jus- You can’t just, and – we’re _friends_ , Lily. Friends help each other.”

 

_Friends_?! Lily’s knees nearly buckled. “Your friends are Mulciber and Avery and - and Rosier and the rest of their cronies. You had better get on before they catch you associating with a _mudblood_ like me.”

 

Severus had steeled himself from her verbal attack, “You aren’t… Lily, you’re not like-”

 

“Like _who_? The other Muggle borns? Like Mary? We are the same, Severus. And I don’t think we should be speaking when you’re going to turn around with your friends and attack some poor first year Muggle born student,” she had spoken almost everything on her mind, but she paused, considering, before landing the final blow. “I thought we were opposed to those who hexed people for no purpose whatsoever, but I guess even the best of us can become what we once hated.”

 

It might’ve been a cheap shot, but it got the reaction she had been after. Severus bared his teeth, but Lily held her head up. “I am _nothing_ like that- that pathetic excuse for a louse.”

 

“You’re right,” she sniffed. “You’re nothing at all like him.”

 

Lily took a shaky step back. She hadn’t been planning on this confrontation today. It had drained what little energy was left in her. The pain going through her neck and head was immense, but it was nothing compared to the emotional pain of severing these last few chords between them. 

 

“If this is the path you’ve chosen, Severus, if you’d rather support You-Know-Who, then that’s fine. But don’t speak to me. Don’t deign yourself to my level. Every time you attack a student, or Merlin knows, whatever you and your lot will get up to outside of this castle, I hope you see me in your poor, unfortunate victim. Because he and I, we’re the same.”

 

She didn’t care to hear his response, and frankly, didn’t know if she could survive another round with him. So Lily turned her back on him and walked down the corridor, ignoring the call of her name from a friend she once had.

 

 

 

The Heads Office was dimly lit, and the reflection of the flickering flames from the fireplace danced on the walls. The music coming from her record player was soft. Lily’s eyes were closed underneath the cool washrag. The armchair she lazed in invited her to sink further into the comfortable fabric. Maybe a nap was just the antidote needed for this ghastly excuse for a day… Lily was halfway to a wonderful dream before – 

 

“It really is quite the dichotomy to see the Head Girl using illegal Muggle artifacts.”

 

Lily only slightly startled, the compress falling off her face as she looked up at her nap’s intruder. It could’ve only had been the one person, so she wasn’t necessarily shocked.

 

“Dichotomy. That’s a big word for a Quidditch captain. Using our textbooks for more than just weight lifting?”

 

James took on a pained expression, sinking into the nearby couch, hand clutching his heart, “You wound with words, Evans. I’ll have you know that they also make excellent door stops.”

 

“Of course…” Lily sighed, repositioning her cold compress. “And there is nothing illegal in this office, I’ll thank you very much.”

 

“No? That Muggle record player is just a figment of our collective imagination? The Misuse of Muggle Artifact Office will be pleased to hear.”

 

“Misuse? _I_ don’t see any misuse. A record player is playing records. Perfectly acceptable use, isn’t it?”

 

“Methinks the Head Girl doth make up bullocks to deny defying the rules.”

 

“Don’t you inaccurately quote Shakespeare at me. Especially not with _bullocks_ in the same sentence.”

 

“Don’t quote who?”

 

Lily sighed again, setting the washcloth to the side. So maybe this tension migraine wasn’t going anywhere fast. She looked at James with a tired expression, which was met with a sly smirk. Git.

 

“I’m just taking the mickey, Evans. You _are_ in a right foul mood. I thought Mary was exaggerating when she told us about your spat with Sn…ape.”

 

The hesitation on the name earned James another firm look from Lily, but it quickly melted into one of pure exhaustion. “Oh, excellent. So people are talking about it. That’s nice. That’s… exactly what I wanted.”

 

“You expected everyone _not_ to notice a verbal sparring match in the middle of a populated corridor?” 

 

“Don’t be a prat.”

 

James paused for the first time since interrupting Lily’s potential sleep. His hands fidgeted in his lap, both set of eyes in the room were on his fingers as they worked over each other. “Do you… want to talk about it?”

 

Lily’s head turned slowly to him, her eyes narrowing in suspicion. James willing to discuss her emotions regarding a fight with Severus? Regardless of what James apparently thought, Lily wasn’t born yesterday. She didn’t have the emotional capacity to have it out twice in under an hour. “No… I can’t say that I do.”

 

“Are you sure?” James’s head picked up to look directly at Lily. “I won’t be a prick about it. You’re… you’re obviously upset about it and if it would help you to talk, then you should talk.”

 

What they had here was another exposure of this new Mature James that had only started to appear within the last few weeks of the term last year. At that point, Lily had felt that he was obviously operating under a dare from Sirius or Remus (“Bet you a bottle of Firewhiskey that you can’t act your age and not your shoe size.”). But when the new term had started and Mature James had maintained his presence, this time as Mature Quidditch Captain and Head Boy, Lily perhaps could’ve been swayed to admit that this wasn’t a dare, but that didn’t quell her suspicions at all.                                    

 

“Thank you, James,” her voice was sincere, even though Lily couldn’t be 100% convinced that James’s actions were the same. “But I don’t think I’m ready to talk about anything just yet.”

 

James nodded, and for a moment Lily expected him to push on, lay down a sickening pick-up-line, or make a jab at Severus. But all he did was knit his fingers together and lean forward, bracing himself on his knees.

 

For a few minutes, no one spoke. Autonomously, the 45s that Lily had stacked next to her contraband record player would cycle through as the songs played out. Her vision zoned out on James’s hands. It wasn’t until he spoke again that her gaze moved.

 

“What are we listening to, anyway?”

 

Now this was a topic she could talk about. “Remember that Muggle band I introduced you to?”

 

He nodded, “The Bungles.”

 

“The Beatles.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

_Not_ whatever, but also not a battle to be fought currently. “This is the band that one of the members made after The Beatles broke up.”

 

“Ah,” James nodded, either following along or feigning it well enough. “Which one?”

 

“The cute one.”

 

“Oh, the drummer?”

 

“The _bassist_ ,” Lily looked at James, her face twisted with disbelief and disgust. “You think _Ringo_ is the cute one?”

 

“He’s got good hair. I relate to blokes with good hair,” as if to demonstrate his qualifications as a bloke with good hair, James carded his hands back through his hair, although the strands immediately bounced back to the unruly state they were previously in.

 

Lily regarded this in a slow take before glancing down at her wristwatch, “7:18PM… The time of death of our friendship.”    

 

Again, James clutched his chest with a wince, “You _wound_ , Evans! I shan’t recover from your cruel jokes.”

 

Lily rolled her eyes, though a small smile was playing at her lips, “Your dramatics are unyielding.”

 

James was relentless. He tossed his head back, arm over his eyes. “No! The pain is too much to bear! How am I to ever heal from your punishing words?”

 

“You’ll find a way.”

 

His hand flew out to grab her wrist, tugging her over to him, “No. I demand an apology. I won’t rest until our friendship is thoroughly revived.”

 

Marlene had said that James had the team weight training for Quidditch, but Lily didn’t know the extent of it until his simple tug had her out of her chair and onto the couch next to him. Her level of grace wasn’t anywhere near the level of James’ dramatics, so she sprawled rather unattractively on the couch. When she looked up at him, planning on delivering yet another round of verbal damage, she took pause as she saw that he was already in the midst of silent, gut-shaking laughter. 

 

His eyes were closed, his mouth open, though no sound emitted from therein. His shoulders shook and he released her wrist so that his hand could wipe at his eyes. Lily took this opportunity to adjust to a more human-like position on the couch, but she never took her eyes off of him. It was a rarity these darkened days, to see such unfiltered joy. Lily knew specifically how hard James was taking each headline, how the Marauders themselves could be seen huddled in the Common Room and what used to be a powwow regarding the next major stunt to be pulled were now hushed, serious discussions of rebellion and steps to be taken after leaving the sanctuary of the castle. Seeing James laugh so freely, though his mouth still seemed to resist the sound of laughter and the sensation of elation was so foreign to his body that it almost convulsed to keep it contained, made Lily’s expression soften. 

 

She kept watching him until the silent laughter had passed. James’ fingers once again wiped under his eyes and his breathing regulated. He looked down at her, his mouth still twitching into a smile, “Move much, Evans?”

 

“Not usually against my own will.”

 

“Then I suggest doing it much more often. It’s highly entertaining.”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lily let a beat or two pass before, “It’s nice to see you laugh like that. I don’t think we’ve seen it in a while.” Her mind went to this morning, where James was inexplicably absent from Sirius and Peter’s edible architectural triumph. Had this been the term prior, it would’ve been heresy and betrayal for James to be absent from a Marauder shenanigan. Now the shenanigans seemed to be more distraction than for actual amusement. Lily had been torn between two sides of her brain: the Head Girl side where shenanigans of any kind should be barred and the 17-year-old-in-the-midst-of-a-war-against-her-own-kind side where distractions of any kind should be celebrated. It seemed that lately, James was undergoing the same personal battle.

 

“Ah, well…” James deflected, his hand bristling the hair on the back of his head. “It’s not… anything to worry about. Just a tough couple of, you know… months.”

 

Lily nodded. Fair enough, she hadn’t wanted to talk about Severus, so she couldn’t expect him to open up about whatever he’s going through. She wouldn’t push him, but instead settled herself into his side, her head resting below his shoulder. She felt him tense, and knew it was because the move was new and unexpected. She waited a moment, then another. If the tension between them remained palatable, she would move back and pretend it never happened. But by the time she had made that decision, James had moved his arm to drape around her shoulders.

 

It felt like somewhere between a homecoming and having been home the entire time. The way his arm fit around her shoulders felt natural, like it should’ve been there the entire time and the fact that it hadn’t been was a monumental tragedy. The overwhelming emotion was absolutely terrifying, yet Lily wasn’t ready to physically confront the reasons behind the emotions. For right now, she’d just close her eyes, concentrate on breathing, and concentrate on feeling James breathe below her head.

 

When James spoke minutes later, she felt it before she heard it, “This music isn’t actually all that bad.”

 

Lily opened her eyes and for the first time in a while listened to what song was playing. The smile playing on her lips was bittersweet. This had been her father’s favorite song from the Post-Beatles catalog. Her father had been in charge of her musical education, and her taste in music was heavily influenced by whatever her father played on his record player - the same that now sat in the corner of the Heads Office, with the obvious alterations. When her father passed away this past summer holiday, Lily hadn’t been able to bring herself to listen to any of his records. It wasn’t until two week after the funeral, when she had been kidnapped by what seemed like the entirety of the 7th year Gryffindor cohort that Lily could smile again. She had tried to thank Mary and Marlene for organizing it, but they had informed her, wearing the most infuriating twin smirks, that it hadn’t been their ideas, and no, they weren’t at liberty to release that information, so don’t even ask. But as they sat on some rooftop in the middle of York (Lily knew better than to inquire as to whose property they were infiltrating) drinking out of bottles that were passed around, there were a certain set of hazel eyes that was overly cautious as they watched her. Lily never confirmed that James had been the mastermind behind the plot to pull Lily out of her grief, but as they spent the night together that summer evening, she didn’t feel that she needed the confirmation.

 

_I want to tell you,_

_And now’s the time._

_I want to tell you that_

_You’re going to be mine._

 

_I can’t tell you how I feel._

_My heart is like a wheel._

_Let me roll it,_

_Let me roll it to you._

 

The words to the song hit deep to her heart and she wondered if it were the same for James, if that’s why he had thought to mention it to her. When she looked up at him, he was already looking down at her, their eyes met suddenly, and that was all Lily needed to verify James was on the exact same wavelength. 

 

“This was my father’s favorite song. The… the record, the little disk? It’s all scratched up, because he played it so often.”

 

“He’s got good taste.”

 

“My mother always used to claim that we were related to the bloke that sings the song - his name is Paul.”

 

“Are you?”

 

“Weeell… his mother’s father is from the same county in Ireland as my mother’s father… so we’re _probably_ just really good neighbors.” 

 

James laughed, and suddenly Lily felt remorse that her head wasn’t back on his chest so she could feel the sound reverberate around her. “That’s probably not as good of a parlor story as you being related to the bloke.”

 

“No, probably not,” Lily smiled at him before setting her head down at his chest. _I can’t tell you how I feel_. Indeed, Mr. McCartney.

 

His fingers trailed up and down her arm, “Do you want to talk about your argument with Snape?”

 

“Do you want to talk about why you haven’t laughed for weeks?” The rebuttal was quick off her lips, but was almost regretted when his fingers paused on her arm. 

 

“Touché.”

 

Lily looked up at him, gently moving her arm under his hand until he got the message. James chuckled softly, but he started moving his hand again. 

 

“I told Severus to think of me every time he or his friends attack a Muggle born. Or if they do anything nefarious with You-Know-Who.”

 

“To _think_ of you? What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“He tried to tell me that I’m not the same as the other Muggle borns that Avery and Rosier attack. That I’m different, and that’s why we can associate. I told him to bugger off, essentially, and that he should think of me every time he allows another Muggle born to get attacked.”

 

“You told him to bugger off? Right you are, Miss Sass - _ow_!” She didn’t have to move much at all to elbow his side. “Alright, apologies, just trying to create a funny interlude.”

 

“Thank you, but that’s rather unnecessary. Not quite ready to laugh about it, am I?”

 

“I suppose you aren’t. But… I dunno if this accounts for anything, but I’m proud of you. For speaking your mind like that. It must’ve been extremely difficult. More than I could imagine.”

 

Lily nodded. “That’s why I came here. Just been having an … off day, I guess.”

 

“Oh. Shit. Sorry, then. I must’ve been intruding. I didn’t mean to. Just - Mary had told me what happened and you weren’t at dinner, so I…” he trailed off, obviously not knowing whether or not it was wise to finish his thought. Lily kept her eyes on him, compelling him to continue. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

 

“James, I’m fine.”

 

“Bullocks.”

 

“Well, I will be, anyway. And there’s no reason to apologize. If I didn’t want to be found by you, I wouldn’t have come to the only place occupied by just the two of us.”

 

James nodded, accepting this response. If Lily squinted, she might’ve noticed that his cheeks with the least bit tinged with red. She hadn’t squinted, because she was too concerned with how James had tightened his hold on her, and how his touch warmed her. But had she noticed, that would’ve been the icing on her proverbial sundae. 

 

“Your turn.”

 

“Ahhh… you don’t want to hear all of that. Let’s just… tell me about this next song, eh? Or about this long-lost relative chap of yours.”

 

“James…” 

 

He squeezed her arm. “I’ll tell you when I’m ready, yeah?”

 

Lily hesitated, but she nodded. “Yeah, James. When you’re ready.”

 

“You’re a good mate.”

 

Mate. Yeah. Sure, they were mates. It was natural, working in a closed space with one individual. Having all their entire house as mutual friends. Mature James, specifically, was a welcomed refreshing air after a torturous summer. A priority for Lily at the beginning of term was that the Head students work as a cohesive team. They couldn’t do that if they were at each other’s necks, could they? So they were mates.

 

Except how his touch around her side felt like a fire through her veins and how a simple embrace made her feel safer than she’s felt since the last time she held her father’s hand. Except how she could find his kind, hazel eyes in a crowded room and how every single, stupid love song her record player played somehow had to do with him. 

 

Other than that, they were mates.

 

Lily selfishly, because this probably isn’t how mates sat on a couch together, moved her arm around his waist, holding herself to him. He was sturdy. Yes, in the obvious athletic way. But in the emotional, I’m Going To Gather Our Friends To Rescue You After Your Father Dies way as well. The world was going to complete shit, that much was obvious. Having someone sturdy would be nice. It was a lot to put on someone, to be their leaning post. But… Lily could be sturdy too. She could be sturdy if James needed her to be sturdy.

 

So why not? Why not pursue something that made her feel good? That made her feel safe and warm in a terrifying and frigid world? 

 

Because the idea of falling in love with James Potter absolutely terrified Lily Evans.

 

It scared her to the core, to care about someone that strongly in so little time. Sure, they’d known each other for six and a half years, but she’d only begun tolerating him during last term. He had only became Mature James after the Spring Hols. Less than a year ago. And here she lay, curled around him, holding onto him like a lifeline. That’s zero to sixty in not a lot of time. It petrified her to feel this much for someone. How could she even tell if this was the Real Thing and not some war-time fling? She needed something, a sign.

 

She needed a nap.

 

And the decision to nap came a lot easier than the decision to fall in love with James Potter, so that’s what she made. Right there, on the couch in the Heads Office, curled up with James Potter, while Paul McCartney crooned _My Love_ on her father’s record player, Lily took a nap.

 

***

 

Lily didn’t know if safety could replace happiness while casting the Patronus charm, and she didn’t necessarily want to ask Professor Bragge, for fear of follow-up questions. They hadn’t reviewed the protocol for witches and wizards who had recently undergone traumatic events and didn’t necessarily have the happiest of memories to call upon. She knew she wasn’t the minority in that category. 

 

It made sense to her, really. If a Patronus was meant to be a shield (the incantation literally meant “I’m awaiting a protector”), then feeling safe and protected should work just as effectively as feeling happy. And, in essence, one might not be able to feel happy unless one also felt safe and protected.

 

The logic checked out.

 

Her fingers flexed around her wand again, her eyes closing as she tried to feel James’s phantom arm around her shoulders, to feel the warmth coming from the fireplace but also from his body as she slept comfortably at his side. How solid he felt underneath her arm. She could hear the records in her mind. 

 

_You gave me something, I understand. You gave me loving in the palm of my hand_. 

 

Lily took a deep breath and her eyes flashed open, “Expecto patronum!” 

 

She watched in amazement as out of her wand emerged a silvery doe, surrounded by the same silvery mist and gas as before. The doe landed gracefully on the ground and nobody in the room dared to move, let alone breathe. They watched in incredulity as the doe bounded around the room, darting between students before disappearing through the classroom’s open doors and into the corridor.

 

The silence lasted for another few moments before sound suddenly erupted around her.

 

“Lily, how did you do that?!”

 

“That was brill - did you see that?!”

 

“Why did that deer not have any antlers?”

 

“It was a doe, you dolt. A female deer.”

 

“Simply astonishing, Miss Evans! Take another twenty points for Gryffindor - absolutely remarkable.” Professor Bragge paced through the students, telling them that he’d make a point of going to Professor Dumbledore about this, a 7th year student producing a fully corporeal Patronus, could you believe it…?

 

Marlene and Mary were at her sides immediately, congratulating her and demanding to know what her memory was. She wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to tell even her best mates that James Potter was the one responsible for her fully corporeal Patronus. Lily laughed off all the attention she was getting - she was just thrilled that her theory had tested out. It seemed that she had reinvigorated the class and they were going to try doubly hard to cast their own personal guardian.

 

But as she cast her gaze around the room, a few reactions did take her aback. Sirius and Lupin were staring not at her, but at James. Their expressions seemed to be a cross between absolute horror and complete amusement (Sirius’ and Remus’ respectively). But that was nothing compared to how James was looking at her.

 

Lily suddenly felt very exposed, as if she had revealed a piece of herself to James that she wasn’t quite ready for him to see. While everyone else had resumed their practices, he stared at her from across the room, unyielding and unblinking. Lily could only stare back. 

 

His eyes were flames. His jaw was set and his hand twitched to reach out. It wasn’t anger he was expressing - no. It was nothing antagonistic. He was looking at her with pure determination. His jaw wasn’t just set, his _mind_ was set. She could sense pride pulsing off of him, but also desire, and a yearning. It was like having produced a Patronus, made Lily the most eligible bachelorette in the classroom. Which, in all honesty, it was impressive, but…

 

James made a step towards her, but was instantly blocked by his mates. Their conversations was hushed, but obviously passionate. James began gesturing wildly while Remus tried to calm him down. She couldn’t hear what they were arguing over, but she had a sinking feeling that she was the subject. For a moment, she thought James would bowl Remus over to get to her, but thankfully Sirius stepped up to him, shaking his head. Lily couldn’t fathom what James wanted with her, but for some reason, she didn’t think it was a congratulatory hug.

 

An intervention came in the form of Professor Bragge halting class in order to dismiss. With another compliment paid to Miss Evans, he released the class with the promise that this wouldn’t be the last time they practiced the Patronus Charm. While the class walked out, all they could talk about was what memory they had tried in class and which ones they would use to practice. Others talked about the practical elements of using the charm, and where in their Auror training it would come in handy. Lily tried her best to avoid James on the way out. He was going to find her, the determined look in his eyes was enough to reassure her of that. But whatever he was going to tell her, whatever he was willing to push through his mates for, it wasn’t going to be revealed in front of the entire school. 

 

Lily was flushed with curiosity, anticipation, and dread. The look on James’s face as his eyes bore into hers was intimidating to say the least, and absolutely thrilling to say the most. Her body hummed with energy as she made her way to the Heads Office. If James was absolutely set on finding her, he’d only have to check an extremely limited number of places. If she didn’t want to be found, the task might’ve been harder for him, but in fact, Lily welcomed it. 

Let them have this out. 

 

 

 

Lily thought she’d have a while to compose herself before James tracked her down. Surely he’d check the Common Room first, or the Great Hall. He’d shake Marlene and Mary down for information, and then try the Heads Office. But by the time she could settle in the armchair, James came bursting through the door. Lily immediately stood back up. Funny, she hadn’t seen him following her through the corridors…

 

“James.”

 

“Lily.”

 

They had spoken at the same time, thus the momentarily awkward pause as each waited for the other to continue. Eventually, Lily waved him on. 

 

Whatever determination James had in him had dissipated. He was clearly nervous and began pacing back and forth. Her eyes were trained on him, and it wasn’t until she started getting nauseous that she prompted him again, “What did you want to say to me in Bragge’s classroom?”

 

“Too much,” his hand kept mussing through his hair and the boy could not stay still. It was like every molecule in his body kept jumping around, making him crawl out of his skin.

 

“All because of the Patronus I cast?” 

 

“Your Patronus,” he looked at her, with the same serious expression from the classroom, “is the reason for all of this.”

 

Lily flushed at this. “I know Bragge was making a big deal out of it, with the talking about going to Dumbledore. But I just think I was able to do it because I figured out a kind of loophole, I can tell you all about it, if you want, it’s not like I’m trying to keep it to m-”

 

“Lily, I don’t give a fig that you cast your Patronus before me.”

 

She frowned, brow furrowed. Not even a fig? “Okay… it seemed like you gave a couple of figs about it, based on how you were looking at me.”

 

James gripped his hair between his fingers. “It wasn’t that you had cast a Patronus. Lily, your Patronus is a _doe_.”

 

“I… yeah, James. I found out at the same time you had.” Now Lily was getting impatient and annoyed that she didn’t understand what was so obviously plaguing James. “Just tell me what’s the matter.”

 

“I _can’t_!” Now his hand were thrown up in the air. “Don’t you see? I can’t tell you what’s the matter without telling you everything. And I can’t tell you everything or else Sirius will have my hide.”

 

James kept pacing, his mind working a mile a minute. Lily could only watch for so long before she had to act. On one of his many trips past her, she reached out and grabbed his hand, holding it tightly with both of hers. “Tell me, or don’t, James. Either way, you have to relax. You’re setting me on edge.”

 

James stared down at their hands; his larger, much rougher hand encompassed in hers. She held on tight. She could be sturdy for him, if he needed her to be. 

 

Eventually, the erratic behavior in him passed, she could see his shoulders relax and his hand was limp in between hers. 

 

“Do you trust me?” His words were softer than she anticipated them to be. When she looked up at him, his eyes were softer than she anticipated them to be. 

 

“Absolutely,” the words came fast and true. “With my life.” 

 

James brought his other hand up to join the rest between them. He squeezed them before letting go and backing away. “Just… remember that. Keep it in your mind.”

 

“That I trust you?”

 

“Yep.” With his wand out, he cleared the furniture from the center of the room. “Stand back a bit.”

 

“James, what on Earth-”

 

“I’ll see you soon, Evans.” James gave her a quick wink with a charismatic smile as he positioned himself in the middle of the room. 

 

Utter confused. She was just utterly bewildered by his behavior. She was about to protest, to try and center him again because obviously he was just not right. But any sound she was about to make died in her throat as she watched James close his eyes and lean forward and then suddenly - change, shift, right before her eyes. Where James once stood was now- a bleeding deer?!

 

Somebody in the room screamed on the top of their lungs and it wasn’t until Lily had jumped back, tumbling back over the armchair that she realized that the vocal stylings came from her. As she peeked from over the back of the armchair, she heard the deer huffing, throwing his head back. Was it - was the animal _laughing_?

 

Lily stayed behind the armchair, a feeble defense against the grown animal that was in the middle of the offices. She looked around for where James could possibly be hiding.

 

“James Potter, you come out right now! This - This isn’t remotely funny, you bastard! Get back here and get rid of this!”

 

But James did not reveal himself and instead the deer made a low bleating sound. Was that the sound that deers made? Lily never let herself get close enough to one in order to find out. 

 

The deer’s hoof pounded the floor before taking a tentative step towards her. Lily shrieked and drew her wand. “Nooo. No, don’t you - stay over there, you wee thing. You wee little… giant deer. You stay right there until - JAMES!”

 

Again the sound came from the deer, as if it were… No. The deer was not _answering_ her. It was a figment, obviously, of her addled imagination. Addled because of whatever hex or curse James had put on her.

 

But the deer kept approaching, even as Lily’s shaking wand pointed towards it. It would only take one giant sweep of his mighty antlers to render Lily’s wand, and probably Lily herself, useless. Lily didn’t even know which spells to use, what would be effective against a giant stag. Eventually the deer stood right in front of the armchair.

 

Even trembling, Lily looked the deer straight in the eyes. Perhaps it was like a bear, and you couldn’t let it sense your fear. Or was that a horse…? Merlin save her.

 

The deer bleated again (Bleated? grunted? Lily never thought it was pertinent to brush up on her deer knowledge.) and stomped his hoof once more. Startled, Lily put her hands up in front of her. Deers always seemed extremely harmless until you had a massive one with giant antlers in a very confined space. She’d never be able to watch _Bambi_ again, that was for sure.

 

In the midst of saying goodbye to a rather over-emotional Disney film that she really had only seen once or twice, she hadn’t noticed that the deer was making a move until he had pressed his snout (Nose? Merlin, she knew this was Hogwarts, but you’d think that in Care of Magical Creatures they would’ve paused for a second to go over the anatomy of a bleeding deer.) against the palm of her hand. Lily immediately froze, staring straight at the deer.

 

“Wait…”

 

The deer’s eyes were unblinking. But they were also the warmest hazel color… a kind, familiar hazel. A hazel that she had just seen not moments ago.

 

“James…?” Her voice was but a squeak. Gryffindor, Shm-ffindor. 

 

The deer stomped his hoof once, nuzzling his snout against her hand. Slowly, with the utmost care to not get her hand bitten off, Lily placed her fingers on the fur between the deer’s eyes and softly pet him. “James, is that you?”

 

Another stomp.

 

This can’t be possible. This was beyond traditional transfiguration. This had to mean - 

 

“You’re an animagus? Like McGonagall.”

 

Another stomp. 

 

“What, is it one hoof for yes, two for no?” When he stomped again, she couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Of _course_ you have a bleeding system.”

 

The deer - James - made another noise. It almost sounded indignant? Oh, Merlin alive, what was she now - Lily Evans, deer whisperer?

 

“Does anyone know? Does the _Ministry_ know?”

 

Two stomps. 

 

_Merlin_ , James! Lily had to file this information away in order to fully cope with what was going on in front of her. Mainly, James Potter: Quidditch Captain, Head Boy, and Unregistered Animagus. She gave his snout a few more pets before asking calmly, “May I please speak to human James now?”

 

The deer gave a grunt before cautiously backing himself up into the center of the room again. And then, just as quickly as the deer had appeared, there was a quite sheepish looking James Potter, back in his Hogwarts uniform, “All right, Evans?”

 

“Just peachy, Potter.”

 

James reached towards her and, although her hands were quite shaky, she allowed him to take her hand and walk her over to the couch, sitting down next to each other with their knees just touching. “I expect I have some explaining to do.”

 

“On a couple of points, yeah.”

 

“Name them.”

 

Lily exhaled. “How long have you been an unregistered animagus?”

 

“Since second year.”

 

She blinked.

 

“You’ve been an animagus since you were twelve years old?”

 

He scratched the back of his head, “I think I was thirteen, actually, as my birthday had just past.”

 

“You are… you are quite possibly the most brilliant wizard I have ever met.”

 

Now was James’s opportunity to look shocked, for the first time since he had walked into the office. Finally, the tables were turned. Lily knew enough to be aware that James had expected to be firmly admonished. And when Lily finally regained her senses, she was sure that she would finally deliver it to him.

 

“You’re not mad?”

 

“Oh, I’m absolutely furious. And when I can feel my hands again, I’ll beat you to death with your broomstick,” he gave a wince at the sheer thought. “But, regardless, my point stands. How on earth did you become an animagus?”

 

“Ah…” he waved it off again. “Just had to chew a leaf for a few weeks, wait for a lightning storm…”

 

“ _Why_ would you become an animagus?”

 

“Mm, and that’s the point I can’t explain. It’s not my explanation to tell.” He squeezed her hand, as if to reassure her that he wasn’t withholding information on his own accord.

 

Lily had to take it for what it was. It would be a battle for another day. “Last question.”

 

“Have at it.”

 

“What does this have to do with my Patronus?”

 

“You mean - you haven’t put two and two together yet?”

 

Maybe it was the nerves forcing her logic to take a back seat in the moment, so Lily shook her head.

 

“We didn’t - I didn’t get a choice in what my animagus form would be. It’s said to be, like, a reflection of your soul. Indigenous people call it like a spirit animal. I’m a stag - a male deer. And your patronus, as we saw today, is a - ”

 

“A doe. It’s a doe.” Mother of Merlin… 

 

“A stag and a doe.”

 

Lily’s breath caught in her chest. Her eyes dropped to where their hands laid, one still in the other, with James’s grip secure. 

 

The universe had a habit of sending huge developments one’s way when one needed it the most. All the long, Lily had been searching for a sign - something to tell her that she needn’t fear the conflict she felt through her attraction to James and her underlying dependence on him. Perhaps their partnership was something much larger than the two of them sitting on this couch together. Maybe being together wasn’t something that was avoidable or escapable. It could be that every action had led them here to this moment; every conflict, every argument, every lingering gaze, every unrequited emotion - they were all stepping stones on a path that led them directly to this moment. He, the stag, and she, the doe.

 

He had a right to know, “It was because of you, that I could cast the Patronus.”

 

“Me?”

 

“The first memory I had, it was my family at Christmastime. It was good, but it’d only done the wisps. So I tried something different. Not necessarily really happy, but really safe and comfortable.”

 

James’s thumb started working on the back of her hand in slow circles, “So, how do I factor into that?”

 

“There was a night, a few weeks ago. After that spat I had with Severus? You found me in here and…”

 

“You fell asleep on me.”

 

Her eyes rolled fondly. “There were a few things that happened previous to that. And that’s what I focused on. How it made me feel. I figured, if this Patronus is supposed to protect me, I should put in as much safe energy as I can. So I focused on how safe you made me feel that night.”

 

James looked like a cocktail of touched, taken aback, and relieved. “I make you feel safe?”

 

“You make me feel like …” How could she explain? What words could quantify the emotions behind the transformation they had undergone together? “When I’m with you, it’s like this is where I had belonged. And it’s almost like I don’t miss the time we’re apart because whenever we come back, it feels like the time between was insignificant and it didn’t exist. And I feel it right now, even after you almost impaled me with your _humongous_ antlers.”

 

“Well, you know what they say about a bloke with big antlers…”

 

Lily had to turn her head into his shoulder, her body shaking with laughter, “You’re a prick, I take it all back.”

 

“Ah-ah, dearest Evans,” he replied, wagging his finger. “No takesie-backsies.” James was exhibiting some characteristics that she hadn’t seen in a few months - the confidence and charismatic ease that made most everyone a fan of James Potter. It used to be obnoxious, but that was before Lily had seen a James that wouldn’t smile for weeks after hearing of an attack on a Muggle hospital. She had witnessed a James that locked himself in his dormitory after receiving word that the twin 2nd year Chasers from the Hufflepuff quidditch team had been put in the Hospital Wing following an ambush from Slytherin upper-years (they hadn’t been able to prove it, but they knew). Knowing those Jameses made Lily want to drink this James in for hours.

 

Lily took a moment to look up at him and the shit-eating grin plastered across his face. He exuded unbridled happiness. She almost wanted to ask him to take another crack at the Patronus Charm. But instead, she asked, “So, what now?”

 

“I think I’m going to kiss you now.” 

 

Oh.

 

“Not if I kiss you first.”

 

She wouldn’t remember, in years to come, who kissed whom first. But she’d remember James’s hands on her back while hers planted on his shoulders. She’d remember their noses touching first, their breath intermingling for a moment. She wouldn’t remember the moment their lips finally met, but she’d always recall the feeling that the past 17 years of her life had been a complete and absolute waste since they hadn’t been spent attached to James Potter. 

 

Just as Lily was starting to congratulate herself for being able to hold her breath for at least two hours (that’s how long they had been kissing, right?). James pulled away, his face lit up in pure delight. It made her want to kiss him again and again.

 

“Lily Evans, you little minx.” 

 

She laughed breathlessly. “Did I do something wrong?”

 

His hands slid up the front of her shoulders, fingers knitting behind her neck while his thumbs brushed under her cheekbones. “You could’ve cast that Patronus a little earlier, that’s the only qualm I have.” 

 

Lily still had so many questions regarding her Patronus and his animagus form. Both were supposed to be imprints of the witch or wizard’s soul or spirit. What did it mean that their imprints aligned in such a way? She wouldn’t dare bring up the word _soulmates_ , not mere moments after their first kiss. Just the thought of the possibility of the S-word (she was a mature, young lady, for sure) made her pulse flare up and her fight-or-flight instinct kick in. She made the decision then to not worry about what they could be or will be, but instead focus on what they currently were. Which was wrapped in each other’s embrace and exceedingly happy. 

 

“I truly am very sorry,” her knuckles brushed against the sharp angle of his jaw. She hadn’t realized that James-who-needed-a-shave was one of her favorite Jameses. 

 

“Oh, I intend to make you atone for it,” his tone had suddenly dropped, causing her stomach to fall  along with it. As harsh as his voice had been, the subsequent kisses were soft and gentle. He was tentative, not wanting to cross whatever boundary Lily might have erected between them. He was letting her meet him halfway.

 

And so she did. She held him in place by a hand wrapped around his tie, matching his fervor until they were a tangle of limbs and hormones. As they came down for a landing, James adjusted his arms so that he could lean up over her on his elbows. Wait - when had she gotten onto her back? That sly bastard…

 

She tried to sit up, but James wouldn’t relent, his mouth slipping past her jaw and down her neck. “James…”

 

He mumbled something against her skin, sending tremors down her spine. 

 

“Now. - I… James, really,” her resolve was quickly dropping. She put her hand against his chest, meaning to push him away. But did she really think feeling at his chest would make her more likely to force him to stop?

 

James’s head popped up from her neck, “Yes, Lily, my pet?”

 

“Oh, veto.”

 

“My darling?”

 

“Eh… We’ll come back to it,” she started to sit up, and by Merlin’s graces, he let her. She sat, facing him, with one leg tucked under her and the other across his knee. Take a break from kissing, sure, but being in constant physical contact? Not tonight. 

 

It seemed that James had the same idea, with his hand on her knee, “Was that… okay? Did I do too much? Did I go too far?”

 

Lily covered his hand with her own, “No, James. No, you’re fine. This is… I could do a hundred Patronuses.”

 

“I could take on a few Dementors myself.”

 

“You look so happy. I just wanted to take it in. I haven’t seen it in so long.”

 

“Me being happy?”

 

“Your smile. Not just the indulging smiles you give me when I try to be cute. But the big, take-over-your-face smiles when your eyes get crinkly and… it was just great to see.”

 

James looked concerned, which was not one of the expressions Lily had sorely missed, “You keep mentioning this. As if I’ve been depressed for the past couple of months.”

 

“You haven’t been depressed. But you also haven’t been ecstatic. And no one expects you to be. It’s tough enough to just get through the day sometimes.”

 

“I know that, Lily.”

 

“So I’ve missed seeing your carelessness. If only for a minute.”

 

He looked at her, a hint of the classroom seriousness in his eyes, “I hope you know I’m not being careless right now, Lily. I care very deeply right now, about what’s going on in this moment.”

 

“You’re not the only one, buddy.”

 

“Oh, definitely veto.”

 

Lily laughed, squeezing his hand, “Can I talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

 

“Do we get to go back to canoodling afterwards?”

 

“So long as you never refer to it as ‘canoodling’ ever again in my presence.”

 

“Deal. Proceed.”

 

Lily stared down at their hands, tracing over his fingers with her own, “Do you remember that night? The Patronus memory night? I didn’t want to talk about Severus, but I eventually told you. And then I asked you what got you so down over the last few weeks, and you said you’d tell me when you were ready.”

 

James laid his palm open for Lily, “And you’re wondering if I’m ready to tell you?”

 

“Just curious,” She stared down at his hand in lieu of looking at his face.

 

“I met with McGonagall, around Halloween. Nothing disciplinary. It was like a preemptive meeting about some Auror-type things. I had applied to … to leave school early and join the Auror training program.”

 

Lily’s head snapped up. Leave school early? 

 

James quieted her nonverbal protest with a look and continued, “McGongall told me around Halloween that I didn’t get in. She said Dumbledore refused to sign his recommendation. So I got angry. Really angry. I trashed McGonagall’s office and she… just let me. I would’ve trashed Dumbledore’s too if she hadn’t barricaded the door. She said that Dumbledore wasn’t acting out of turn, that he didn’t mean to put a roadblock in my way. I’m needed at Hogwarts, and I’ll have my turn at the Auror training program once I graduate. But I thought he was just being so selfish. Hogwarts needed me…” he didn’t hide the disdain in his voice. “What’s a castle full of people compared to the entirety of the Wizarding and Muggle world? There are… there are people out there getting slaughtered every day! Every fucking day, Lily, there’s some news about this guy who died or this Ministry person who got tortured during a raid. And I could be out there, I could be helping on the front lines,” he scoffed, looking disgusted at himself. “But I’m here. In this school boy’s uniform, pretending that quidditch plays are more important than tracking Death Eaters. Because I’m _needed_.”

 

After a moment, it became apparent that James wasn’t going to be saying anything else about the subject. Lily searched his face for a hint that the look of self-loathing would dissipate. When it didn’t, she lifted herself onto her knees, and cupped his face with her hands, forcing him to look at her. “You are needed in this building, James. I’m sorry you feel that you aren’t being used to your full potential, but don’t for a minute think that you’re being wasted by being in this castle.”

 

“Come off it, Lil-”

 

“This castle is full of little kids who were promised the time of their lives in this castle who are instead being tormented every day because they’re Muggle born. There are students who are awaiting a letter any day to say that their mother, father, or brother has been killed in some attack somewhere.”

 

“I could be out there, preventing the attack!” His eyes were crazed, and Lily knew they were the same eyes that had faced McGonagall when she had delivered the news.

 

“And you will be. In time,” she stroked his cheek slowly, attempting to soothe him. “Dumbledore wasn’t lying when he said you were needed in this castle. Think, James. He made you Head Boy, instead of promoting any Prefects. Dumbledore had a purpose for you in this castle, and if you’ve not yet fulfilled it, then he’s not going to let you go. Kids look up to you. How many first years have I seen you console?”

 

“Someone else will be here to console them.”

 

“James Potter needs to be here to console them.”

 

“Well that’s a fucking lot to put on the prick, isn’t it?!” James snapped at her.

 

Lily sat back on her ankles, eyebrows raised, and she waited.

 

James stared back at her and eventually deflated, rubbing at his face, “Sorry… I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.” 

 

Lily tried to mask the underlying anxiety that rooted in James unleashing his pent up aggression. She had never seen him so angry, let alone having it directed at her. She knew that was not his goal, that his battle wasn’t with her. But she also knew that if she allowed James to see how much his energy had affected him, he’d take it to heart. So, instead she brushed it off, “No worries.”

 

Even with her facade so determinedly placed, James didn’t seem to fully believe that there was nothing to worry about. But after a pause, he offered her his open hand again. After considering for a moment, Lily took it again, tracing over the lines on his palm with her fingertip. “Dumbledore is putting me solely in charge of morale in this decrepit castle,” he spoke much slowly, with more caution. “I could be out there, part of a team. It doesn’t have to all be on my shoulders.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be all on your shoulders now. I’m here. Lean on me.”

 

“Lily, I couldn’t…”

 

“The titles aren’t Head Boy and The Cheeky Bint That Trails After Him. We’re Head Boy and Head Girl. Your responsibilities are my responsibilities. Lean on me. I’m sturdy.” 

 

James let out a weak smile, pushing against her shoulder with two fingers. Lily didn’t sway. “I didn’t mean to unload all of this on you.”

 

“I am nothing if not an amazing sounding board.” But James still looked unconvinced. “Listen, you antler-headed ninny. If this is going to work, this here-” she motioned between the two of them. “Then you have to understand that this is a team. This hero complex of yours might work out there with McGonagall and Dumbledore, but it’s not going anywhere with me. And if you want to go and track down every Death Eater in the country, then we’ll do it together. After we graduate. Until then, we do whatever we can do to make every day more bearable for the students here. That’s our role. That’s our job, just for right now. Are you with me?”

 

James’s eyes searched her face and Lily didn’t let him see anything besides determination and resolve. This was the beginning for them, as whatever they would decide to label themselves as. Very good friends, or romantic partners, or soul mates. Every element of the climate surrounding them was working against their relationship, a Pureblood and a Mudblood. Lily looked at this young boy, not older than seventeen. They were being forced to grow up too fast, to let go of their childhood delights so they could grasp onto the weapons of war. It was going to break their spirit, but if they worked together, they could rebuild them to be even stronger. 

 

Lily didn’t know much about what the future would hold for her, just that she had a great guardian in her Patronus, and a sound partner in the man sitting before her. And that, she thought, could be enough. 

 

Finally, James fingers curled around Lily’s hand and he brought it to his lips, giving her an answer to her inquiry, “Until the very end."


End file.
